Managerial Skillz

I walk in the back
My jaw goes slack
It happened again
Man, this place is whack
Even though I know what’s in store for me
I have to find out what that smell could be…Ok guys,
Listen up,
We come to work every day
And we work too hard
For too little pay
And I know you all know
What I’m about to say
But please,
listen carefully anyway:

I really don’t mean to sound cliché
But your mom doesn’t work here
OK?
There’s no need for this
We don’t need detention
Is this some desperate plea for attention?
All I’m saying guys
Is that the break room stinks,
And someone’s been pooping in the bathroom sinks
And I really don’t care what your friends all think
But that is just not cool -

Hold on, I need a drink.

Ok, thanks everyone,
Now my composure’s back
And I really don’t want to take the break room back
I fought hard for you guys,
I really did,
I fought for you like you were my very own kids.
Ok,
Don’t laugh,
I know we’re all the same age
But I take this stuff seriously
- C’mon Paige
Please pay attention just a little bit more
It’s almost time to open up the store

Now when I got promoted to shift supervisor
I really thought that it would be cool, like Paul Reiser
But now I’m finding out
That it’s a lot of hard work
And you guys sort of treat me like some kind of a jerk
Tony, Mike, could you please sit back down?
I’m serious you guys, quit clowning around
Ok fine,
Is that the way that you guys want to play?
Well guess what?
The break room’s closed,
Effective today!

Word.

Phlip-Hop-Top

Yo.
My cell phone’s got mad flip action
Stunned and amazed?
That’s the general reaction
Check the buttons dog,
Yeah, they glow in the dark
Man this phone is flyer than Noah’s ark
I’m not talking ‘bout the boat, man
I’m talking ‘bout the show -
You know which one I mean
The one on Bravo?
If you ain’t seen it you should get Tivo
But man that ain’t the point
Let me get back to this phone.
Yo,
Look up here, the antenna is retractable
I ain’t lying dog,
That shit’s just matter-factual.
And I can get a new one in two years
Cause that’s contractual
And they’re obliged
To provide
Me with an upgrade
Upstage ya
Is what I just did
Cause my cell phone just dropped you on your lid
You’re like a kid
And I’m a mature and grown man
With this nokia N81 in my hand
Sing

(CHOIR)
CELL-U-LAR
(Call me girl just c-call me girl, yo)
CELL-U-LAR
(You can reach my line if ya feelin’ fine, yup)
CELL-U-LAR
PHONE.

Word.

Phurnishings

HOOK:
Furniture
I like furniture
I like every different type of furniture
And if a lady needs help I’ll furnish her
With many different types of furniture

Yo.
I work hard at my job
At the roomful express
But I got a couple things I gotta get off my chest
Like first:
Please don’t bring drinks in here
I thought the sign on the door made that pretty clear
Next:
Could you try and control your kids?
You didn’t see them over there?
Oh.
I thought you did.
Regardless, sir,
That couch is pretty expensive
And they’re jumping on it hard
Like, pretty intensive
And if they get one scuff on that imported leather
My boss isn’t gonna care one lick whether
It was my fault or not
He’ll say
Phlip, you’re caught
And he’ll dock my pay
And straight ruin my day
But still…

Furniture
I like furniture
I like every different type of furniture
And if a lady needs help I’ll furnish her
With many different types of furniture

Ok, great
Now we got that out of the way
Can we talk about the reason why we’re here today?
I think you know exactly what I mean to say
I’m talking furniture - I love it in a special way
Yo, my favorite kind of chair is a la-z-boy, brown
My favorite kind of couch is a wraparound
My favorite footrest is an ottoman
Can I interest you in the extra service plan?
You get five years coverage
Guaranteed
On leather, corduroy or Italian tweed
and if that ain’t enough
then I got what you need
Follow me into the back
Cause I plainly see
That you are a person of exquisite taste
Well guess what?
you’ve made it to the right place
cause…

Furniture
I like furniture
I like every different type of furniture
And if a lady needs help I’ll furnish her
With many different types of furniture

Furniture.
Word.

Don’t It Feel Good?

HOOK:
I’m gonna get some brand new kicks
The type for getting chicks
you know I’m better than all the rest
get ‘em at the one stop shop
Make ya booty drop
You know I’m talking about payless, now come on, uh.

I’m rocking a new pair of sneakers
In my lab there’s beakers
So I’m mixing up a potion
Like a chemistry teacher
I hope I don’t spill
On my brand new shoes
Cause to get these joints
I had to pay my dues
I worked nine to five
Or eleven to seven
It ain’t great
But it’s better than the seven eleven
And when I get my check
I straight hit the deck
And if anybody see’s they’re like
What the heck?
Where’s he going in such a hurry?
I’m like Who died and left you judge and jury?
I’m gonna hit the source
Payless of course
My rhyme skills just left you blurry

And I’m about to
Get some brand new kicks
The type for getting chicks
you know I’m better than all the rest
get ‘em at the one stop shop
Make ya booty drop
You know I’m talking about payless.

Payless
You are so good to me
Payless
You give me energy
Payless
You got the dopest brands
Payless
Still cash left in my hand

When I walk in the door
They got sneakers galore
I’m all
Man, this is like, my favorite store
The shoes are stacked up
Rack after rack
And that’s just the start
They got more in the back
And the best part is
They line ‘em up by size
So I know exactly where to set my eyes
Aisle two near the back
Young men’s, size ten
And if you didn’t hear
I’m gonna tell you again

I’m about to
Get some brand new kicks
The type for getting chicks
you know I’m better than all the rest
Get ‘em at the one stop shop
Make ya booty drop
You know I’m talking about payless.

Payless.
The shoe source.
Word.

Introductory Rhyme

Yo:

I flow steady correct

And if you wanna get checked

Then just step into my parlor

And I’ll give you a test

It goes one and a two

three and to the four

and a flibby dibby mibby nibby dibbity bore

flop fliggity goo

gat giggity boo

straight jump off the block dock didgeridoo

dot com

dot net

dot E-D-U

smack smiggity bagligitty flafliggity floo

too

many dudes want to mess with you?

I mean me?

I mean you?

I mean I don’t know who

Who

Are you?

Flap flippity flute

Joot kaboot snoot root toot higgity hoot

Rat pa tat nat boot black glibbity goot moot

Point

A joint is like how I’ll smoke ya

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba

Cut ya neck!

Word.

May 2008: Phlip-Hop

OK, so Drink Up Buddy comes to a somewhat ignominious end.

I actually didn’t fail quite as badly as I had planned.  I actually managed to write something almost every day, I just really dropped the ball on actually getting it posted to the site.  WordPress doesn’t seem to work at my job anymore so… You know, excuses excuses.

So next up I think is going to be the story of Philip A. Hopson, AKA Phlip-Hop.  He’s a rapper.  For now that’s pretty much all you need to know.  You may get to know him a little more personally as the month goes on, but the first entry in the series is just going to be Phlip-Hop introducing himself, and proving that he’s the greatest rapper alive.

Hope you hate it!

Go For It

“We should just quit,” said Sean.

Barry and Rick looked at him with sadness in their eyes.

They were in Sean’s mother’s basement, surrounded by hundreds of empty soup cans - Bean with Bacon Soup cans, Beef Broth cans, Beef Consommé cans, Beef Noodle Soup cans, Beef with Vegetables and Barley soup cans, Beefy Mushroom Soup cans, Broccoli Cheese Soup cans, Cheddar Cheese Soup cans, Chicken & Dumplings Soup cans, Chicken & Stars Soup cans, Chicken Alphabet Soup cans, Chicken Broth Soup cans, Chicken Gumbo Soup cans, Chicken Mushroom Barley Soup cans, Chicken Noodle Soup cans, Chicken Rice Soup cans, Chicken Vegetable Soup cans, Chicken Won Ton Soup cans, Cream of Asparagus Soup cans, Cream of Broccoli Soup cans, Cream of Celery Soup cans, Cream of Chicken Soup cans, Cream of Chicken and Mushroom Soup cans, Cream of Mushroom Soup cans, Cream of Mushroom soup with Herbs cans, Cream of Onion Soup cans, Fiesta Nacho Cheese Soup cans, French Onion Soup cans, Golden Mushroom Soup cans, Green Pea Soup cans, Lentil Soup cans, Manhattan Clam Chowder cans, Minestrone Soup cans, New England Clam Chowder cans, Oyster Stew cans, Pepper Pot Soup cans, Scotch Broth Soup cans, Split Pea with Ham & Bacon Soup cans, Tomato Bisque cans, Tomato Soup cans, Vegetable Beef Soup cans, and Lobster Bisque cans.

“We have to win,” said Rick.  “We have to be the ones to find the mystery can and win a ride in a NASCAR^TM stock car and a one year supply of soup.”

“We have to,” Barry agreed.

“Have to,” said Sean.

“Have,” said Rick.

“To,” said Barry.

“Have to,” said Sean.  “This is greatest undertaking we have ever undertaken.  If we don’t succeed then someone else will.  Someone else who isn’t us.  And that someone else will be riding in that NASCAR^TM stock car, and eating that year’s supply of soup, and every day we will wake up and be ashamed of ourselves, because the undertaking we undertook took a toll on us which we could not overtake.  And I, for one, can’t live that way.”

“But do we really have to eat all the soup in every can?” said Rick.  “Can’t we just open the cans, dump them out, and check to see if the winning piece is inside?”

“Oh, yeah, great idea,” said Sean.  “Let’s waste all this soup and then just let it sit out and go bad and we’ll never even eat it and then we’ll throw it away and then just dump it out on the ground or something.  Great idea, really great.”

Rick knew when he was beaten.

He picked up his spoon and started to eat a can of Chicken N’ Stars^TM in slow motion.

“We could have at least cooked it,” he said.

“Coulda, woulda, shoulda,” said Sean, and then he got the flu really bad and had to go to the hospital.  And while he was lying in his hospital bed Rick and Barry looked at each other and said “Now THAT’S ironic!” and then they all hugged and then a nurse brought in some Jell-O.  Some Jell-O soup.

Answer It

Rick picked up the phone from the cradle, then almost immediately replaced it.

I can’t, he thought to himself.

But I must, his self thought back at itself.

He picked up the phone again and then slammed it back down.

But I can’t, he silently moaned.

Must!, his subconscious countered.

He removed the phone and dialed a 4, then tossed the phone and the end table it was sitting on to the ground.

I can’t do it, he thought again.

I am a failure, he also thought.

Huh, he thought, no answer for that, eh?

His subconscious didn’t respond, because he was now thinking in the twelfth person, and that’s one person too many.

I, thought Rick, am a better person than I used to be.

Just then the phone rang and Rick picked it up and said, “Huzzah!” and hung up.

An Age Of Wonder

“No that should work, try it again,” said Sean.

Rick was sitting at the computer and Sean was looking over his shoulder. The screen said Error: No Such page exists. Try again.

“I don’t get it. What are we doing wrong?” said Rick, clearly frustrated.

“I don’t know man,” said Sean. “Barry’s the computer wizard, not me. Try putting it in all caps.”

“I already tried that.”

“Well I have to get this job, and the only way you can apply is online. We have got to figure this out.”

“I’m going to try not putting any space in.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Sean. “But try it anyway. I’m going to call this guy again.”

Rick began typing as Sean went in the other room to get the phone.

“Uh-huh,” he said into the phone. “Right. And then push…? OOOOOHHHHHH, OK. Thanks so much man.”

Sean came back into the room.

“I talked to the manager. He said that after you type it in you have to push Enter,” he told Rick.

“Enter!” said Rick. “Of course. OK, so let’s try this again.”

He began typing and then pushed Enter.

The screen said Error: No Such page exists. Try again.

“What the barrel of turds?” said Sean. “We typed it in, we pushed enter, it’s not working! I need this job!”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” said Rick. “Why don’t you sit down and try it?”

Sean sat down at the computer and said “OK, I’m going to follow these instructions word for word.”

“That’s exactly what I’ve been doing but go ahead and try,” said Rick.

Sean typed double u double u double u dot burger king dot com into the address bar and then pushed Enter.

The screen said Error: No Such page exists. Try again.

“What are we doing wrong?!” Sean screamed.

Can I Take Your Order?

Sean and Barry were standing eighteen inches apart, tossing a Frisbee back and forth.

“Seen Rick?” asked Sean.

“Nope.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah.”

They tossed the Frisbee a few more times.

“He likes a girl,” said Barry.

“Yeah, well, I like basil on my pizza but that’s not gonna bring back my dad is it?” said Sean and then he said “I win this game of frisbee,” and then he laid down and went to sleep on the lawn.