Go For It

“We should just quit,” said Sean.

Barry and Rick looked at him with sadness in their eyes.

They were in Sean’s mother’s basement, surrounded by hundreds of empty soup cans – Bean with Bacon Soup cans, Beef Broth cans, Beef Consommé cans, Beef Noodle Soup cans, Beef with Vegetables and Barley soup cans, Beefy Mushroom Soup cans, Broccoli Cheese Soup cans, Cheddar Cheese Soup cans, Chicken & Dumplings Soup cans, Chicken & Stars Soup cans, Chicken Alphabet Soup cans, Chicken Broth Soup cans, Chicken Gumbo Soup cans, Chicken Mushroom Barley Soup cans, Chicken Noodle Soup cans, Chicken Rice Soup cans, Chicken Vegetable Soup cans, Chicken Won Ton Soup cans, Cream of Asparagus Soup cans, Cream of Broccoli Soup cans, Cream of Celery Soup cans, Cream of Chicken Soup cans, Cream of Chicken and Mushroom Soup cans, Cream of Mushroom Soup cans, Cream of Mushroom soup with Herbs cans, Cream of Onion Soup cans, Fiesta Nacho Cheese Soup cans, French Onion Soup cans, Golden Mushroom Soup cans, Green Pea Soup cans, Lentil Soup cans, Manhattan Clam Chowder cans, Minestrone Soup cans, New England Clam Chowder cans, Oyster Stew cans, Pepper Pot Soup cans, Scotch Broth Soup cans, Split Pea with Ham & Bacon Soup cans, Tomato Bisque cans, Tomato Soup cans, Vegetable Beef Soup cans, and Lobster Bisque cans.

“We have to win,” said Rick.  “We have to be the ones to find the mystery can and win a ride in a NASCAR^TM stock car and a one year supply of soup.”

“We have to,” Barry agreed.

“Have to,” said Sean.

“Have,” said Rick.

“To,” said Barry.

“Have to,” said Sean.  “This is greatest undertaking we have ever undertaken.  If we don’t succeed then someone else will.  Someone else who isn’t us.  And that someone else will be riding in that NASCAR^TM stock car, and eating that year’s supply of soup, and every day we will wake up and be ashamed of ourselves, because the undertaking we undertook took a toll on us which we could not overtake.  And I, for one, can’t live that way.”

“But do we really have to eat all the soup in every can?” said Rick.  “Can’t we just open the cans, dump them out, and check to see if the winning piece is inside?”

“Oh, yeah, great idea,” said Sean.  “Let’s waste all this soup and then just let it sit out and go bad and we’ll never even eat it and then we’ll throw it away and then just dump it out on the ground or something.  Great idea, really great.”

Rick knew when he was beaten.

He picked up his spoon and started to eat a can of Chicken N’ Stars^TM in slow motion.

“We could have at least cooked it,” he said.

“Coulda, woulda, shoulda,” said Sean, and then he got the flu really bad and had to go to the hospital.  And while he was lying in his hospital bed Rick and Barry looked at each other and said “Now THAT’S ironic!” and then they all hugged and then a nurse brought in some Jell-O.  Some Jell-O soup.

Answer It

Rick picked up the phone from the cradle, then almost immediately replaced it.

I can’t, he thought to himself.

But I must, his self thought back at itself.

He picked up the phone again and then slammed it back down.

But I can’t, he silently moaned.

Must!, his subconscious countered.

He removed the phone and dialed a 4, then tossed the phone and the end table it was sitting on to the ground.

I can’t do it, he thought again.

I am a failure, he also thought.

Huh, he thought, no answer for that, eh?

His subconscious didn’t respond, because he was now thinking in the twelfth person, and that’s one person too many.

I, thought Rick, am a better person than I used to be.

Just then the phone rang and Rick picked it up and said, “Huzzah!” and hung up.

An Age Of Wonder

“No that should work, try it again,” said Sean.

Rick was sitting at the computer and Sean was looking over his shoulder. The screen said Error: No Such page exists. Try again.

“I don’t get it. What are we doing wrong?” said Rick, clearly frustrated.

“I don’t know man,” said Sean. “Barry’s the computer wizard, not me. Try putting it in all caps.”

“I already tried that.”

“Well I have to get this job, and the only way you can apply is online. We have got to figure this out.”

“I’m going to try not putting any space in.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Sean. “But try it anyway. I’m going to call this guy again.”

Rick began typing as Sean went in the other room to get the phone.

“Uh-huh,” he said into the phone. “Right. And then push…? OOOOOHHHHHH, OK. Thanks so much man.”

Sean came back into the room.

“I talked to the manager. He said that after you type it in you have to push Enter,” he told Rick.

“Enter!” said Rick. “Of course. OK, so let’s try this again.”

He began typing and then pushed Enter.

The screen said Error: No Such page exists. Try again.

“What the barrel of turds?” said Sean. “We typed it in, we pushed enter, it’s not working! I need this job!”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” said Rick. “Why don’t you sit down and try it?”

Sean sat down at the computer and said “OK, I’m going to follow these instructions word for word.”

“That’s exactly what I’ve been doing but go ahead and try,” said Rick.

Sean typed double u double u double u dot burger king dot com into the address bar and then pushed Enter.

The screen said Error: No Such page exists. Try again.

“What are we doing wrong?!” Sean screamed.

Can I Take Your Order?

Sean and Barry were standing eighteen inches apart, tossing a Frisbee back and forth.

“Seen Rick?” asked Sean.

“Nope.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah.”

They tossed the Frisbee a few more times.

“He likes a girl,” said Barry.

“Yeah, well, I like basil on my pizza but that’s not gonna bring back my dad is it?” said Sean and then he said “I win this game of frisbee,” and then he laid down and went to sleep on the lawn.

Two Bowls, Three Corners

Sean, Rick and Barry were in the basement, playing a game of Two Bowls, Three Corners, when Sean’s mother rudely interrupted.

“Sean,” she called down the stairs in a mockingly sweet voice, “you have a phone call.”

“Can you take a message?” Sean said as he executed a nearly flawless triple spoon dip maneuver.  “I’m playing Two Bowls, Three Corners right now!”

Sean’s mom threw the cordless phone down the stairs.  It landed with a thud and bounced across the floor, coming to rest next to Barry’s outstretched arm.  Barry began to blow on the phone as hard as he could, clearly trying to move it closer to the piping hot bowl of prosciutto and melon soup that was situated under a glass dome, exactly in the center of the room.

Rick realized what Barry was doing and started blowing on the phone from the opposite side.

Sean said “I’m playing my Soup of Lesiure card,” and he began to unhook himself from the elaborate system of pulleys and chains that were keeping him secured to the wall.

“Foul, foul of the most egregious nature,” called Rick.

“Second! I second the foul and call for your corner to be desecrated and stricken from the record!” agreed Barry.

Sean finished freeing himself and began to walk towards the phone.  “Grow up you guys,” he said.  “It’s just a game.

He bent over to pick up the phone and then suddenly threw it across the room.

“I had a hidden Fourth Corner Card of Destiny!” he shouted.

Barry and Rick immediately began to claw at their restraints, realizing the trap they had walked right into, as Sean hunched over the glass dome and began to decipher the code that was etched into the lock keeping it shut.

Barry was the first to free himself.  He ran towards the soup but he was too late; Sean was already taking the first delicious slurp.

“Game over,” he said.  “I win.”

Rick finished unclasping his elaborate restraints and joined the other two in the center of the room.  He handed Sean the phone and said, “Good game.  But don’t you want to know who called you?”

“Nope,” said Sean.  “Want to play again?”

“I’m Zeta corner this time!” shouted Rick.

A Couple O’ Hotties

Sean, Rick, and Barry were sitting in lawn chairs on Sean’s mother’s front lawn, soakin’ up some rays.

“Soakin’ up some rays,” said Barry.

“Soakin’ up some nothing,” said Sean. “Why don’t you take your shirt off?”

Before Barry could respond two girls in bikini tops and shorts came around the corner, carrying a surfboard between them. One was blonde, and the other one was also blonde.

“Heads up,” said Rick. “Girls.”

“Hey,” said one of the girls as they neared the place where Sean, Rick, and Barry were sitting. “Do you guys live here?”

“Nothing,” said Rick, and then he stood up and kicked Barry’s chair to the ground, sending Barry sprawling across the grass.

“Nice,” said the blonde.

“You ladies going to throw a little long-ball?” Sean asked the blonde as he slapped Rick across the face hard enough to leave an imprint of his hand on Rick’s flesh. Rick reeled back then recovered and roundhouse kicked Sean in the head, causing him to collapse on the spot.

“We were thinking about it,” said the blonde. “And maybe a game of chili-shorts. You want to join us?”

Before Rick could respond Barry poured a jar of fire ants on his head and then kicked his legs out from under him. As Barry was closing up the lid of the jar Sean punched him square in the crotch and then poked him in the eyes with a stick.

“What are you retarded?” Sean said. “We’re busy.”

“You guys are amazing,” said the blonde as Rick writhed in agony on the ground.

“Shut up,” said Barry.

As the girls walked away Sean and Barry sat back down in their lawn chairs, then high fived each other.

“Oh God, my eyes!” said Rick. “THEY’RE IN MY EYES!”

Coinage

Sean, Rick, and Barry were gathered around a dryer in “Jesus’ Laundromat”, a run down establishment across the street from Sean’s mother’s house. On the wall was a sign that read: Please “no” tacos in the “machines”. “Thanks!”

“We have to put in the soap first I think,” said Sean. “That’s how the clothes get clean.”

“That makes sense,” said Rick, “but I know for a fact that this little sheet has to go in too. I’ve seen my sister do this, like, nine times.”

“OK well let’s start at the beginning,” said Sean. “Barry, hand me that soap.”

Barry handed over a twelve pack of Lever2000. Sean tore open the package and dropped a bar in the dryer.

“You’d better put two. We’ve got a lot of laundry,” said Barry.

“Good call,” said Sean as he threw in another bar. “I feel good about this, off to a good start. What’s next?”

“Clothes?”

“Yeah, clothes. That’s why we’re here right?”

“Right. Here you go.”

Rick handed over a Hefty trash bag full of their dirty laundry.

“Do you have to take it out of the bag?” asked Sean.

“If you do,” said Barry, “then I don’t want any part of this. I’m no lazy slouch, but that’s just too much.”

“Another good call,” said Sean as he crammed the overstuffed bag into the dryer with the soap. “You’re on a roll Barry.”

“Thank you my friend.”

“Now, where’s that sheet you were talking about Rick?”

Rick handed over a dryer sheet which he had found on the floor of his sister’s apartment’s laundry room, and Sean put it on top of the bag.

“Oh, almost forgot!” Barry said. “My Dad said we have to make sure to empty the lint trap.”

“I’ve heard that too,” said Sean. “You sir, may have just saved our lives.”

He opened the lint trap on the dryer, cleaned the lint off the screen and then tossed it on top of the dryer sheet. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out three quarters and a buffalo penny, and threw those in too.

“And that’s it,” he said. “My Mom said that since this place doesn’t have an attendant on duty we can just leave til the clothes are done and come back to pick them up.”

Rick was trying to jam the lid of the dryer closed. When he couldn’t get it to click into place he started to climb up on top of it.

“Oh hold on,” said Barry. He took one last bite of the grande stuffed soft taco supreme he had been eating and tossed it in the dryer. “I’m stuffed,” he said.

Then Rick got up on top of the dryer and jumped on the lid a few times until it seemed like it was closed and then they went and got a root beer.

Vincent Van Bones

“OK, almost done… a little bit more… Couple more dabs…”

Sean was applying some black paint to the wall of his mother’s basement.  He had taped out an elaborate design on the wall and was just applying the finishing touches to his masterpiece.

“What do you guys think?” he asked Rick and Barry, who were sitting on the couch eating avocado soup.

“It looks pretty dope Sean, but I can’t wait to see what it looks like when you take that tape off,” said Rick.  “When did you become such a great painter?”

“Well,” said Sean, “last week my mom had the squirts pretty bad and she asked me to sit with her.  She only watches TLC so I saw about twenty episodes of Trading Spaces.  They taught me a lot.”

Sean began cleaning his brushes in a slow and methodical manner while Rick and Barry ate their soup.  After two and a half hours he was finished and announced that it was time to remove the tape.

Rick and Barry crowded around him as he slowly began to pull the masking tape from the wall, revealing an identical shade of black underneath.  He slowly worked his way around the room, peeling off the 600 feet of tape he had applied.  When he was done his finished product was revealed: four plain black walls and a plain black ceiling.

“Pretty cool man, pretty cool,” said Barry.

“Yeah,” said Sean, “I’m really digging this.”

“Your mom is going to be really impressed.”

“Yeah well, don’t tell her about it.  But you’re right she would be really proud.”

“Uhhhh, Sean?” said Rick.

“Yeah?”

“What was the point of all that tape?”

“Oh.  You’re supposed to use different colors and then I guess it makes a design or something.  I don’t know.  But I stole this paint from my uncle Chet, and he only had black.”

“Oh.  Cool man.  This looks awesome.”

“Yeah.  Now let’s go get some ketchup.”

And that was exactly what they did.

THE END

Trademark

“Put in ‘Slug Maguire’ under name.”

Sean, Rick, and Barry were huddled around the Ikea coffee table in Sean’s mother’s basement, filling out some paperwork.

“Slug Maguire?” said Sean.  “Why?

“Oh I don’t know,” answered Barry, “maybe because it’s the most awesome and badass name I’ve ever thought of in my entire life?”

“We have to put our real names Barry.  Otherwise they won’t give us the patent we’re applying for.”

“OK, well then let’s put our real names, and then pretend like there’s a fourth person.  His name?  Slug Maguire.”

“Whatever,” said Sean.  “Address, social security number, phone number… I think we’ve got this all filled in.”

“Great,” said Rick.  “Now what should we patent?”

“Onions!” said Barry.

Companionship

A tiny bell dinged as Sean, Rick, and Barry waltzed through the front door of Savanah’s Seascapades, a sprawling pet store with everything from tarantulas to rats to sea cucumbers.

“Don’t waltz when you walk through a door,” Sean told Barry.  “It’s irritating.”

“I’ll tell you what’s irritating,” Barry replied.

“Not being able to find a parking spot?” guessed Rick.

“Spilling burning hot coffee all over yourself?” chimed in Sean.

“Thrombophlebitis,” answered Barry.

“Look,” said Sean.  “We came here to get ourselves a pet, so let’s just do it and get out.  My car is still running at a red light and it smells like two week old clam chowder in here.”

As they began browsing the pet selection a four foot tall woman wearing overalls and a tie-dye t-shirt came out of the back room.  Her hair was in two ponytails pointing almost straight up from the top of her head.

“Can I help you with anything?” she asked in a high squeaky voice.

“We need us a pet!” said Sean.

“Well did you have anything particular in mind?” asked Overalls McGee.

“Well, I did have one thing in mind…” said Rick as he began moving towards a terrarium filled with baby owls.

“Yes?” said Ponytails O’Reilly.  “Cat, dog, fish, python?”

“No…” said Sean, picking up on Rick’s plan.  “Something better than that.”  He crouched down into a linebacker position behind the terrarium and put his hands on it.

Barry also got the hint and winked at Sean, then turned around and winked at Rick, and then bent down and winked at ‘Ol Squeakybones Jones.  “Yeah, something even better than any of that stuff,” he said.  Then he put his hands on the underside of the terrarium.

Now Sean, Rick, and Barry were all touching the terrarium and kind of rocking back and forth.

“Well, what is it?” asked Tie-Dye A. Chesterfield.

“Double cheeseburger!” exclaimed Rick and then they left and went to McDonald’s.